When he meets someone who’s struggling, Maff Potts relies on six words. 

“Could you do me a favour?”

It’s counter-intuitive, but it’s never failed him, he says, even in extreme circumstances. Someone may be distraught, aggressive, or feeling utterly desperate. Instead of immediately trying to fix the problem, ask them for help. Can they offer some advice? Can they point the way to the bus stop? Can they make someone a cup of tea? 

Maff knows this works, because it’s one of the principles at Camerados, a movement he started ten years ago that creates welcoming spaces for anyone who’s struggling. These spaces are known as ‘public living rooms’ – essentially sofas and board games and somewhere to put the kettle on – where you can find people who listen, treat everyone the same, and don’t judge or try to fix you. Public living rooms pop up in town centres, or more regularly in hospitals, prisons, universities, community centres and online. There’s now 250 of them, in five countries.

What they all have in common are six values, including “mix with folk not like you”, and “we can disagree respectfully”. But the “secret sauce”, according to Camerados, is this one: “If someone is struggling, ask them to help you”. Why? Because it momentarily shifts their focus away from the problem; it signals trust; it reminds people who may be feeling desperate that they are valued and needed too. 

Maff admits his own inclination is to be a “fixer”, and for years that’s what he tried to do while working in large homelessness charities. Now, he’s convinced that most efforts to help people in need create an unhelpful hierarchy. Power dynamics make people “a bit weird”, as he puts it. 

The Camerados approach came about through experimentation and an unusual willingness to fail, many times, along the way. (“Make a complete mess of it, and then put the kettle on”, as Maff says.) But their core values – that people struggling above all need company, a sense of purpose, and confidence in themselves – are solidly backed up by others. Research by Nesta has highlighted that ‘good help’ means helping people to identify and achieve their own sense of purpose, and to develop their confidence. Numerous studies have shown that volunteering is good for physical and mental health, especially for older people. 

In “social prescribing”, patients are encouraged to do things like gardening or crafts or joining a social group, rather than being prescribed medication. Experts say prescribing “service” is particularly effective. The story of one patient is striking: working as a carer triggered chronic back pain, so she had to quit her job, which led to deep depression. When nothing else helped, it was a “prescription” of getting back to work and caring for others once more that was the turning point.

Jamil Zaki, a psychology professor at Stanford University, puts it well in his new book, Hope for Cynics. Focusing on “self-care” may help guard against stress and exhaustion, but it doesn’t necessarily bring back someone’s sense of purpose. “A better way to do that is to be there for others,” he writes, citing research that found students feel less lonely on the days they help one of their peers.

It might not feel instinctive to ask someone for help when they are the one struggling – asking for help, in general, can feel awkward – but maybe those simple six words are worth a try.

Image by No-longer-here from Pixabay